Take Life

Taking is so vague. The connotation is aggressive, but implies an importance with the corresponding action. I could have titled this as seize life and its days but I want it to be misapplied. I love carpe diem. What a great dictum. I hate murder. What a terrible thing to force someone else into the unknown without you, yourself, going along. I don't know. .. Raskolnikov may have been able to justify to himself that he had the ability to transgress, but he couldn't escape the tormenting guilt of his actions. Ha ha, it still won't keep me from wearing my "Raskolnikov was Innocent" shirt, but that's only meant to be thought provoking. Like this.
I want to seize life and create meaning from it. I don't blame some suicidal men. I wouldn't take my own life over a loss of materials (though I may have someone kill me if I ever seem too materialistic) and I wouldn't kill myself over a loss of love. I know what that feels like. I loved. She loved. I still love. She doesn't love anymore. Is there pain? Yes, in tremendous amounts. Worth death? Please...
However, should I ever suffer from a loss of meaning, should I ever see no essence in my life and no way to gain it, I would end it. Prolonged suffering should include at the very least a destination. I blame not the deluded soul who suffers in poverty with dreams of golden streets and choirs of angels. They have essence.
I want the beauty of life to flow through me and flow back outwards at a higher intensity. Let me be an outlet and a power source, an extension of energy, a reflection of the magnificent. In that sense I will take life, and though I suffer now from the losses I possess (how ironic) and the obligations I have assumed, I still perceive with clarity the promise of my future, my time of redemption. In this sense I will take life, my own, and create something beautiful. For what more could I ask from my time here on Earth than simple meaning? If Sartre was right and existence does precede essence, then what should be my obvious choice of action? What comes next?